Open Records Request Reveals North Dakota Representative Lori VanWinkle's Name Absent from Heaven's Book of Life
Results of heavenly open records request sends shockwaves through North Dakota legislature
MINOT, N.D. — An open records request has unearthed what some are calling the ultimate cosmic rebuttal: the name of Lori VanWinkle, the Minot lawmaker notorious for her controversial comments on women's infertility, is absent from the sacred "Book of Life."
Earlier this week, The Flickertail Times submitted an open records request to heaven, inquiring whether the Minot legislator’s name was currently listed in the Book of Life.
“Our heavenly records show no listing of Representative Lori VanWinkle in the Book of Life,” confirmed a Celestial Open Records Request spokesangel.
VanWinkle, who once suggested that infertility was a manifestation of divine retribution, may now be facing the ultimate irony: being denied entry into the eternal VIP lounge.
While some North Dakota legislators are reportedly chuckling at the celestial misfortune, others have rushed to area churches seeking “eternal assurance.”
“I’ve fielded at least two dozen calls from legislators asking what time our services begin on Sunday,” said a local pastor. “To be honest, when I took my first call, I just assumed it was another legislator asking where in the Bible the Ten Commandments are actually listed.”
Google Trends data shows that in the past 24 hours, IP addresses in Bismarck linked to the state capitol have experienced a surge in internet searches asking “Am I going to heaven?”
When reached for comment, VanWinkle said she encourages the public to read her most recent social media post regarding her controversial statements. VanWinkle’s Facebook page states:
"My statement was meant to make us think. It’s time to take a step back and look at the reality that there is an epidemic of infertile men and women—and we NEED to think critically about cause and effect. We SHOULD ask the question: Could the killing of all these innocent children be causing a judgment on the wombs of women and the semen of men? It is quite possible! In fact, it’s even quite possible that all the poison we are finding in our food and water supply is causing us tremendous sickness, disease, and infertility."
Further analysis by the Flickertail Times indicates VanWinkle’s location data at the time of her post suggests the Minot legislator was using McDonald’s free public Wi-Fi.
House Majority Leader Mike Lefor says he’s working to provide extra resources to legislators following news of VanWinkle’s absence from the Book of Life.
“Obviously we’re all shocked by the news,” says Lefor. “So we’re working to ensure we have chaplains available next week to visit with lawmakers to provide them with spiritual counseling. But we’re also taking extra steps such as replacing the water fountains in the capitol with holy water dispensers and ensuring we have plenty of fire extinguishers on hand should anyone in the House or Senate spontaneously combust or be struck by lightning while making remarks on the chamber floors.”
The Flickertail Times is a satirical blog. While some individuals and institutions depicted in our stories are real, the events described are fictionalized for humorous commentary and should not be taken as factual.