North Dakota on Alert: Silent Protesters Read Banned Books, Triggering Library Card Fears
State Deploys Literary Law Enforcement to Curb Dangerous Book Consumption
BISMARCK, ND — State officials are scrambling to contain what they are calling a “literacy crisis” after silent protesters gathered outside public libraries this week, engaging in an unsettling display of unregulated reading.
The protesters, armed with books that would be restricted under SB 2307 introduced by Sen. Keith Boehm, R-Mandan, sat quietly in public spaces, flipping through pages with reckless abandon. Witnesses report that some even dog-eared pages—an act experts say could indicate plans for rereading, a gateway behavior to critical thinking.
“This is exactly what we were afraid of,” said Boehm while nervously clutching a copy of “Where the Wild Things Are”. “We pass one simple bill to keep certain books in a restricted section, and next thing you know, people are signing up for library cards.”
According to early reports, library card sign-ups have increased 500% in the last 48 hours, a development Boehm described as “deeply concerning.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised by all of this. After all, you can’t spell ‘library’ without ‘lib,’” Boehm stated grimly. “And that’s exactly who we’re trying to stop–the libs.”
Officials are now considering emergency measures to curb the spread of unauthorized reading. Some have proposed shortening library hours to business days only from 3:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. Others have floated the idea of installing warning labels on books that could trigger “unauthorized thinking.”
“We’re just trying to protect people from dangerous ideas,” said Representative Bill Tveit who co-sponsored SB 2307. “We’re starting with ‘Curious George’ because we all know that curiosity can be a gateway to alternative lifestyles.”
The North Dakota Bureau of Intellectual Containment (NDBIC) warns that the protest could lead to a dangerous cycle of learning.
“First, they check out a book,” says NDBIC Commissioner Alan Bookman. “Then they read it. Then—before you know it—they start asking questions. And if we’re not careful, this could lead to something catastrophic... like civic engagement, or worse, critial thinking.”
At press time, NDBIC officials were considering deploying certified book blockers to stand guard at libraries, ensuring citizens only checked out safe and approved books written by Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilyy.
Some public school librarians say they are already taking steps to replace some of their books available in elementary school librairies across the state.
“We’ve started to pull ‘Frog and Toad’ books from shelves, as we’ve already had concerns from legislators about the series who voiced concerns over the gay lifestyles of the two amphibious characters,” says one public school librian on condition of ananimonity. “We’re replacing them with legislator-approved, patriotic content including the Mike Huckabee guide to Donald Trump.”
For now, North Dakota remains on LIBCON 1, the highest alert level for unexpected outbreaks of independent thought.
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