As Missiles Fly in the Middle East, Trump Redirects Firepower Toward Grand Forks
President Authorizes Precision Strike on North Dakota’s Most Controversial Campus
Grand Forks — As the international community reels from a week of airstrikes and escalating conflict between Israel and Iran, President Donald J. Trump has unexpectedly shifted America’s attention—and firepower—toward a surprising new target: the University of North Dakota.
In a blistering post on Truth Social, Trump declared he had “authorized the AMAZING US MILITARY to conduct limited strikes” on the Grand Forks campus, citing the university’s “history of hiring PERVERTS” and its “diseased bird” mascot. The post, which amassed more than 31,000 likes in under an hour, ended with a bold pledge to “WIPE OUT the perverts and restore greatness to the once GREAT city of Grand Forks.”
The abrupt shift in tone and geography stunned observers. Just one day earlier, Trump had been engaged in high-level talks regarding U.S. air support in the Middle East and had withdrawn from the G7 conference in Canada to address mounting tensions with Iran. But according to insiders close to the president, Trump had grown “bored with the Tehran thing” and decided to “refocus on Ray Holmberg.”
UND: "We Are Monitoring the Situation"
In a statement issued minutes after Mr. Trump’s remarks, the University of North Dakota expressed mild concern.
“We are aware of the comments made by President Trump and are monitoring the situation closely,” the statement read. “While we do not condone missile strikes on public research institutions, we want to assure the community that all of our university-designated perverts are safe and sound, and our campus remains open.”
The university also addressed the mascot insult, noting that “the Fighting Hawk is a federally protected raptor and not, as suggested, a ‘diseased bird.’”
The North Dakota University System issued a follow-up statement, calling Trump’s post “deeply concerning.”
“The President’s remarks on social media are troubling, to say the least. The University of North Dakota has a thorough vetting process in place for its faculty and staff—perverts included,” the statement read. “In light of recent scrutiny, we have contracted former Congressman Anthony Weiner to assist in modernizing our vetting procedures and onboarding protocols.”
Foreign Affairs Experts Weigh In
The announcement left veteran journalists scrambling for analysis. Thomas L. Friedman, longtime foreign affairs columnist for The New York Times, offered his signature globalist lens:
“What we’re witnessing isn’t just a missile strike on a university,” Friedman wrote. “It’s a butterfly flapping its wings in Grand Forks that will ripple across continents, rattle supply chains in Taiwan, alter NATO’s Arctic posture, and delay the opening of a Trader Joe’s in North Dakota—perhaps indefinitely.”
White House: “No Comment”
Administration officials declined to respond to the Truth Social post. However, one Pentagon official, speaking on background, stated, “We are not tracking any active orders to launch missiles at land grant institutions in North Dakota at this time.”
Despite assurances from the Pentagon, UND President Dr. Andrew Armacost has been reportedly relocated to a secure location deep inside the Cold-War era pyramids near Nekoma, North Dakota out of “an abudance of caution.”
The Flickertail Times is a satirical blog. While some individuals and institutions depicted in our stories are real, the events described are fictionalized for humorous commentary and should not be taken as factual.